but i love him anyway

now that i calmed down a little and i can think more rationally, i can defend my husband, as i said i would. it takes two to cause problems in a relationship, which means that i am at fault as well. my problem is that i expect my husband to 1)be horny all the time, since i always thought that guys are always up for sex (no pun intended) and that they aren't allowed to say they're too tired or basically give any excuses and 2)to always initiate sex, which of course is totally unfair, but the couple of times that i've been turned down just hurt me enough to discourage me. i know it's stupid, and there are plenty of times that my husband comes into my bed and the truth is, he makes me feel so good an relaxed and calm that i end up falling asleep! and he's so sweet about it, in the morning he'll say in a joking way, you won't believe what happened last night, and he'll make light of the fact that he wanted me so bad and i just fell asleep. so maybe even though he jokes about it, he gets discouraged just like i do. i was always under the impression that if the wife shows interest and the husband says he's too tired, something's wrong there cuz guys always wanna do it. but i guess that is a little crazy and even maybe puts too much pressure on a guy. anyway, i want to tell you as much as i can think of right now about why i think my husband is the best husband in the world, and when you're done reading this, i'm sure you'll agree. don't read it if you're gonna be jealous though!
1)right now, just thinking about how much i love him and all that he does for me makes me all warm inside.
2)he's crazy about our kids and he helps me out with them all the time. and he doesn't even look at it as doing me a favor. he knows that it pays to invest as much time as possible in them because he's fostering a relationship that will last a lifetime. our kids are totally in love with him and he's so devoted to them.
3)he listens to me go on and on about my day, my job, things that drive me crazy, and anything else that comes out of my mouth.
4)when we do have sex, he remembers and does what i like.
5)he makes me laugh (not makes like forces, but does things that crack me up).
6)he's nice to my family even though my family is nuts.
7)he realizes that his family is also nuts and listens when i say not nice things about them even though i shouldn't.
8)he appreciates when i make dinner and always tells me that i'm such a good cook, but doesn't complain when i'm too lazy and just get takeout, or don't bother to even get takeout and send him to do it instead.
9)he never bothers me about how much money i spend, or asks me how much something costs, and he's genuinely happy when i spend money on myself (although he thought i went a bit overboard when i chucked my old wigs and got two new ones, but he still didn't freak out like some other guys would, and he's happy now cuz he sees how much more chilled out i am about covering my hair). i want to make it clear that i'm not critical of guys who want their wives to be careful about money and who need to be cautious in order to make ends meet, and that's all i'm gonna say about that, because as usual, i have a lot more to say about that but i wanna stay focused.
10)i can talk to him about anything.
11)he emails me articles that he thinks i would find interesting.
12)he's supportive.
13)he apologizes when he's wrong.
14)he can't wait til he makes enough money for me to stop working.
15)he doesn't get annoyed when i call him a thousand times a day at work to tell him stupid things that i just want to tell him and could really wait til later but i know i'll forget if i wait.
16)we're a real team. we do things together, especially when it comes to decisions about our kids. he is literally my other half, my rock, my hero, the one person in the world i can truly count on to take care of me, to love me, to cherish me, to hold me, to understand me and all my idiosyncracies, of which there are many. any emotion that i ever feel, i count of him to share it with me. i call him (if he's in work)/talk to him to tell him any time something funny happens, if i get upset about something, if i have to cry, if i'm hurt, disappointed, happy, scared, nervous etc. if i ever have something to share with someone, the first person i share it with is my husband. and he always does the right thing to help me with what i need. i can spend all night continuing this list, but i think you get the basic ides. he really is my knight in shining armor, and i'll never let him go.

liar liar

last night, my husband and i were watching a dvd of a season of a show that's on cable. it is the most stupid, pathetic, pointless, and least suspenseful show in the world. we haven't had sex in at least a week or two, and after one of the shows, i said let's just go to sleep, thinking that since it's such an awful show, surely my husband would rather snuggle up with me and maybe more, than continue with the show. but no, a stupid, pathetic, pointless and not at all suspenseful show is more interesting than yours truly. i should have known better. for a long long long time now, i have felt that my husband has little interest in me sexually. which means one or more of any of these upsetting things:
1)he's gay
2)he's having an affair
3)he's hiding something else from me that makes it difficult for him to be with me
4)i'm so repulsive that he's rather do anything than be intimate with me
i'm hoping he's gay. but i really don't think he is. i also don't think it's possible that he's having an affair. we talk to each other a number of times throughout the day, and he never diappears on these mysterious trips or anything like that. so he's either hiding something from me, or i'm too nauseous for him. both are very likely. we all know that i don't think very highly of my body, the question is, would i be more comfortable with myself if my husband made me feel like i should be, or would i feel insecure anyway? my husband tells me all the time that he loves me and he thinks i'm gorgeous and all that, but that brings me back to point number three. my husband is a LIAR. he lies as easily as i pee, and i do that fairly easily these days. i used to think he only did it to other people, and always to make them feel good, but maybe he does it to me too. well not maybe. i know he has lied to me in the past, and when confronted, he admitted it, but he won't admit to this when i talk to him about it. and i'm sick of talking to him about it. you can't imagine how many times we have had this conversation, the why don't you want to do it more often conversation, and he always has a different excuse, but it never seems to be the truth. and it gets better for a couple of weeks, and then slowly goes back to the same routine. so here i am, pregnant and feeling uglier than ever, and my husband loves me like a sister, if i'm lucky. and if he comes across sounding like a jerk, even thought he's not, i don't feel like defending him right now. because right now i'm crying because of this issue, and it's not the first time. so you can look back and my other posts if you want to hear nice things about him, and i'm sure there will be nice things in the future, but for now i am so hurt and insecure and upset that i have nothing else to say. except that while i'm saying the things that bother me about him, i can't stand that he doesn't take more care of his outer appearance/personal hygiene. i have to tell him to get a haircut for a few weeks before he gets one, he won't shave for a few days because he thinks he doesn't have time, or maybe because he knows i like how he feels when he's clean shaven and he doesn't want me touching him, i have to remind him to brush his teeth and shower, and when he doesn't shower, he doesn't even at least change his underwear. so maybe it's not so bad because i don't want to kiss someone who has three days of food on his teeth anyway. he looks adorable to the naked eye, but when you get as close as i get to once in a while, he could really shape up. that was a little easier to get off my chest because it's not as hurtful for me, just drives me crazy. and that's why you haven't heard from me in a long time.

...been tagged...delayed reaction...

okay so we all know that i'm a little slow, and i've been so busy with the sudoku craze that i've been neglecting my blog as well as keeping up with other blogs because when i have free time i do sudoku puzzles online. then i get all tired and nauseous and everything and i have to lay down and can't look at the computer for the rest of the day. except for swfm, i try to read hers as much as possible because my what one can miss by not reading her blog for a couple of days!!! anyway, usually when someone is tagged, they say something like i've been tagged by whoever so here goes and that's it but oh no not me, i have to write a whole megilla first. ok i'm almost ready but i also need some advice. i've been waking up in middle of the night to go to the bathroom and i can't fall back asleep, last night i was awake for three hours, it was crazy. i think about things i have to get done, work, kids, everything. it's so hard to just calm down and go to sleep. any suggestions besides counting sheep?
now, for the good part, i've been tagged by my chaverah chaverah (haha i crack myself up) and i'm really proud of myself that i thought of copying and pasting so i can get the whole meme set up more easily for myself-yes, for me that's a big deal since as you can see i can't even do that thing where you write a person's name and someone else can click on it and get to their blog...so here goes...
Things I want to do before dying: (yay i figured out how to do colors!!!!!!)
make sure my kids can live without me
learn how to be more forgiving so hashem will be forgiving to me
be better about davening daily
have sex in many different positions (sorry prudes)
Things I can not do:
diet duh
tumblesauces (too fat)
take care of my kids all day without my husband's help
keep my mouth shut when i'm pissed at someone
eat fat free muffins
drive slowly
stay dressed all day (i get into pjs at like 5)
ok i'm realizing i can't do a lot of things and it's not good for my self-esteem so i'm gonna stop now
Things I can do:
weigh a lot
cook
bake
go to sleep early
wake up early
not hear anything that's going on while i'm reading a good book
spoil myself
take a lot of money out of the bank and spend it really quickly
give an honest opinion
What attracted me to my spouse:
he's so cute
he's so sweet
he loves kids
he was so excited the first time we went out to eat that i didn't order lettuce and nothing else (haha look who's laughing now)
i just knew he would be an awesome father and husband
Books that I am currently reading:
ok i only read one book at a time, and i like almost every type of book-fiction, nonfiction, historical, holocaust books, romance novels (but not the really trashy kind, more like the funny kind). i liked my sister's keeper by jodi picoult except that i was bawling the whole time. also angels and demons by dan brown, most joy fielding, jane heller and daniel silva books.
Movies that I love:
i like all different kinds of movies also and i'm for sure gonna forget a lot of my favorites, but ok...
father of the bride
wedding crashers
american pie (i know wedding crashers, american pie, i'm sick, too bad, i like dirty humor)
newsies
the pink panther (the remake, i'm not old enough to have seen the first one)
spiderman 1 and 2
shawshank redemption (i know i'm not alone on that one!)
the usual suspects
a few good men
and lots more but can't think of them now...ok i did it...now that you read all of that, don't forget that you're supposed to give me advice on my sleeping problem...okay i tag dys (again, can't get you to click on his name, go to former comments to get to him, sorry!) cuz he needs more friends around here, and what the heck, workingema cuz it'll make her day...

morning-no, actually, all day-sickness

guess who always looks like she's pregnant but this time really is...ME!!!
guess who wanted to lose at least ten pounds before getting pregnant but just gave up because she didn't want to wait til she was a thousand years old...ME!!!
guess who always makes fun of people who get nauseous when they're pregnant because it always seems like the same skinny p'tchetchy ones are always the victims of nausea during pregnancy...ME!!!
and guess who is boiling a pot of macaroni for her kids while she's typing and is getting dizzy and nauseous from the smell of PASTA...ME!!!
guess who finally lost two pounds because she can't eat...ME!!!
ok, so i didn't let you do that much guessing, but oh well. is this nuts or what?!? until now, food occupied my mind as long as i was awake, and sometimes during sleep as well. and now, just the thought of food makes me all lightheaded and queasy. i ate four animal crackers for breakfast. i feel like i'm gonna barf. i haven't actually thrown up at all, i just always feel like i'm about to puke. for the last couple of YEARS, all i wanted was to have less of an appetite, and now that i'm pregnant, and i shouldn't be pigging out (ok, maybe a little), but i should be at least eating three meals a day and a couple of healthy snacks, I CAN'T EAT ANYTHING!!! it's crazy, and i'm nervous about the baby, but i also know that it happens to a lot of girls and somehow their babies turn out ok, and i'm taking my vitamins so the baby is getting the folic acid it needs, but still, i haven't had a fruit or veggie in like four weeks! isn't it nuts that over the next few months this blog is gonna turn into a whole bunch of complaints about how nauseous food makes me, when it started out about how much i love food? and as indicated in the title, this is not just morning sickness. i don't know why they call it that, although maybe some people really just have it in the morning. i suffer from it ALL DAY! and sometimes i get so hungry and i think, finally, i can eat something, and then i eat and get horribly nauseous all over again! and you should know that it's really hard for me to not be able to eat. on the one hand, just thinking about certain foods makes me nauseous, but on the other hand, I REALLY MISS EATING!!! it's sick how i love food so much, that i really consciously miss it. how crazy am i. i'm so messed up in the head that i don't like being nauseous because i wish i could eat because i love to eat so much. i really feel like i'm missing out. i went to a party last night and all the food looked so good, but i was only able to eat half a slice of pizza, and of course, i paid for it later! i went out to eat with my friends the other night and just opening the door to the restaurant made me nauseous, let alone sitting there and trying to eat so my friends wouldn't suspect anything-yes, you know before my friends, and most of my family as well! i'm also really exhausted and usually fall asleep in the afternoon while my kids are running wild or watching a movie. i usually only allow one movie in the morning if they wake up too early for me to get out of bed, but now they almost always end up watching one in the afternoon as well. last week was so bad that my husband ended up coming home from work in middle of the day because i knew my daughter was gonna wake up from her nap soon and i couldn't get out of bed. i ended up sleeping for three hours. supposedly, these symptoms usually last for the first trimester only, so hopefully i'll be ok soon. one of two things is gonna happen: either i'll be so used to eating less that i'll finally be able to finally eat somewhat normally once the nausea stops for good, OR since absence makes the heart grow fonder, i'll eat more than ever before once i'll be able to! let's root for the former, everyone!
i'm still insanely fat.

not lovin' myself today

ok if you're the type of person who's gonna comment "stop bitchin' and do something about it", then stop reading now cuz that's not what this is about. i know that i made my own bed and now i'm laying in it and all that, but for the moment, the kind of bluntness that i shell out is really not gonna help. i'm blunt enough with myself to know that i'm a fat pig and i look gross and i have to stop. but i'll get to that one day. for now, listen to this. so i went to the gym today (yay me!) and i was the third fattest person in a class of thirty two (boo me). i counted. not counting the instructor who's like five feet tall and weighs eighty pounds. actually she probably weighs more cuz of all that muscle but whatever. anyway, it's amazing that i noticed so many things and was still able to keep up with the class. so were jumping around and lunging and jogging and all that and i noticed, that along with being one of three of the fattest in the class, when my legs were apart when we were doing weights, you could see two little tushes hanging down behind my legs. almost everyone's butts were invisible from the front, but no, not mine. it literally sags. it's sickening. and then i noticed that when my legs were together, they make a disgusting shape. there is really something wrong with the way i look. my face doesn't even look that pretty anymore. and once i put on a wig, forget it. my hair is gorgeous, and no wig can do it justice.
for those of you who are still reading even though you do want to say stop bitchin' and do something about it, you should have stopped, but since you didn't, here's a little reward for you. now dys (check out the comments onmy first and third post, i'm not one of those fancy ones who knows how to set it up that you can click on the name and get to it) will think he inspired this, and he didn't, it's just a kind of coincidence, but i've been thinking of making some lifestyle changes. (dys that wasn't the first time i heard of that, and btw, from your comment on my first post i thought you were a girl until something else you wrote indicated that you're actually a guy. i think it was your blog. maybe some lifestyle changes are in order for you. don't get upset, i just thought it was funny, and anyway there's no way that this is the first time you heard that you're a little too in touch with your feminine side). so i started drinking a ton of water (and pishing forty times a day) and i'm gonna try to be much better about going to the gym. for now, that's the most i can do. i always drink water anyway, but i started making sure to really drink at least 6-8 cups a day, whereas other days, i sometimes had 4, sometimes 2-3, etc, and i drank other drinks once in a while as well. from now on, only water. i hope. i'll try. and the gym more often. BUT I'M STILL GONNA EAT AND EAT AND EAT! ok, maybe i'll also cut out the last "eat" before i make dys puke.

of thongs and things

we went to friends for one of the meals on shavuos. i was actually not the fattest one there but one of the girls there is so skinny and she just had a baby a few weeks ago. and even though i wasn't the fattest one, i definitely ate the most. more than the girls, anyway, and probably more than the guys too. i have no self-control, it's sickening. i'm not even so crazy about cheesecake, but if it looks good, why not. so of course i had cheesecake after kiddush AND for dessert. they put out some cake for kiddush, and even though i knew there was plenty of food coming, of course i had a piece of cheesecake. and there was another cheesecake for dessert, which only the hosts and i ate. i was pretty full, but i ate anyway. and i had a nice big meal in between as well. that girl's a great cook. we really had a good time, but my eating situation is out of control. i even know that i look horribe because i can tell that when i see people i didn't see in a long time, it takes a second for them to recognize me and then i know they're thinking oh my g-d she looks awful. so sad she used to be such a pretty skinny girl, what happened to her. unless they're at an event where there's food. then they can look down at the plate i'm holding, and check out the contents, and they can see right away what happened. I'M A FREAKIN PIG!!!
shabbos was a lot of fun. my friend and her husband and kids came and she has a great body but her husband's a jerk so i don't even feel self-conscious around her i just worry all the time and feel bad for her that she's married to him.
now for today, the reason for the lovely title that had you wondering...we went to a couple we're friends with for dinner and the wife is teeeeeeeeeny. she's very nice and i don't think she judges me for eating so much (or come to think of it, maybe she does, she probably tells her husband after she sees us that she can't understand why i eat so much if i'm so fat-or maybe i am wrong and i just thinkg everyone is a snob like me cuz that's the type of thing i would say to my husband even though it's disgusting-i gossip way to much) but i sometimes think that there's no way that someone so small could not be grossed out by someone like me. bear in mind that today is "one of those days". i have my days that i'm totally in love with myself, and others when i'm not so sure. anyway, she was wearing a skirt that was totally see-through-never mind the tznius or just totally looking ridiculous issues-and she was for sure wearing a thong. there were no panties in sight. i for sure would have seen them. i'm not a sick nut who stares at other women, this was totally obvious, and i do notice these kind of things-i'm always checking people out and analyzing them on the outside and inside as well. anyway, back to the thong. so either she wasn't wearing any panties at all or she was wearing a thong. now my problem is-I WANT TO BE ABLE TO WEAR A THONG. do you know how gross i would look. my ass would be hanging out and down and eww, whatever, it just wouldn't work out. i don't want to even wear one like she did, in a way that everyone can tell. i would just like to know for myself that i have a good enough body to wear one anyway. the truth is, a lot of girls wear them these days, and most of them probably don't look that great in them. there we go i'm getting out of my mood already. and even if they do look good in them, aren't they annoying? i have some that match lingerie i have and i can't imagine wearing them for longer than lingerie is usually worn! sorry if i made anyone feel uncomfortable with this, i know some guys read this stuff, and you may find it inappropriate and i don't want to put any wrong thoughts in your heads, but this is my way of expressing my feelings, and it really did make me feel better, so i had to do it.
hope everyone had a great yom tov and enjoyed their cheesecake as much as i did-yes, after all that, i still enjoyed every bite!

surprise surprise

no one who knows me, besides my husband, would think that i am the author of this blog. yes, i complain about my weight, but then i'll take a big bite of a cookie and say, "oh, well", i love food more than being thin. and more often than not, someone will comment that they wish they could be like me, just enjoy themselves and not obsess over their weight. i am not the girl at the party with two pieces of lettuce on her plate. oh no. i go for the good stuff and it shows.
i rarely seek other people's opinion or advice. i go shopping by myself and i buy what i like. sometimes i don't even look that great in a new outfit, but if i like it i'll buy it anyway. people tell me that they wish they could be like me, that they could just do things without anyone else's approval. except for one friend, who always asks me for advice and gets insulted that i never ask for hers, and don't always listen when she gives it, unwanted. you'll hear more about her. and my mom. she thinks i should tell her everything and always ask her about anything and everything in my life, but i don't want to. one of my sisters always tells her anytime anyone pisses her off, and then long after she made peace with it, my mom thinks badly about that person who dared to upset her child, including my brother-in-law. why should i tell my mom every or any time my husband upsets me. he's an amazing person, and we work through our disagreements ourselves, i don't need my mom to be like, oh yeah he shouldn't say that or do that to you. especially since her marriage isn't one i want to emulate. wow i have so many issues. but still, isn't it wierd that something that bothers me so much seems to not bother me at all...